Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in alice gore's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Friday, January 27th, 2012
9:37 pm	the nice part about livejournal is i can track my mania and depression really well. (Comment on this)
8:29 pm	OK here is the deal everyone: i am going to escape having ANY kind of career that is regular by being a rock and roll person. everyone has this idea but i have it in the bag because i own like, pretty much every instrument ever except bass and drums, and i'm going to buy a drum machine soon, so whatever, and i can buy a bass later too. so i have a backlog of like fourteen or fifteen songs, all with melodies, and all i need to do is record them on my 4-track, and then i can send demos to like music stations and then i need to get people to play with me (i'll go on craigslist or something) and then i can start booking shows at like the smell and stuff. and then i'll go to my stupid journalism job that's going nowhere in the day and at night i'll play shows. and then i'll start having a following and then i'll play coachella. granted this was my big manic idea two years ago, but this time i'm really gonna do it because i'm going to buy a drum machine and once i buy a drum machine i can play to the drums, because it's easier to make tunes to drums. well for me anyway. and my deadline is uhm, like 2013 because that's when i'm going to school for social work. so i have until then to make it big. today i wrote three songs. i was full of creative energy and i was happy at work for once. but i wasn't working. i was writing songs and listening to music. it was all very synergistic. this guy i sort of know, i don't know how i know him but his name is greg, he's in this band la font and they seem like they know what they're doing, maybe i'll ask if i can play a show with him or something. it'll be great. my band won't have any tambourine. or it might, i haven't decided yet. first i need to get good at synth. i have a korg that i haven't used in like a year. i almost don't want to go to la zine fest because i need to focus on the band. and this time my approach is to not have an approach. i think that was the problem last three times is that i had too much of an approach. this time i'm just going to play whatever works. i have many influences. all that i know is that i want to be like asian carrie brownstein. who i know is just karen o, but then you could say i want to be a 100% asian karen o. or i can be like manda rin. remember manda rin? she had a yelly song voice. i can have a yelly song voice. i can be a frontwoman. i totally can. all i need to do is be manic. and if i'm depressed that's OK too, i'll just be like really boring like how oasis is boring onstage but everyone still loves them. i wonder if cold war kids have day jobs. i wonder if ozma has day jobs. they probably do. maybe i can open for like, i don't know, a not very good band like death cab for cutie. i need a stage name. my "alter-ego" name for a while has been elvie, maybe it will just be elvie. or i like my real name, it can just be my regular name. you guys don't even understand, tomorrow after i drop off dylan at the airport and do my reporting i am going to spread my instruments around my room and make some magic happen. i'll be like sex bob-omb. i'll be like matt and kim. i'll be like, EVERYONE. i would buy real drums but they're loud and i don't have any room in my house. maybe i should learn how to drum because i can't find a drummer and i can play all the other instruments. i can do it, i can be a one woman band. i'll be like beck. you guys, seriously, you guys. i swear. this is going to be the best thing ever. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 16th, 2012
4:46 pm	i thought i would write an entry on my anxiety and depression, since they tell you in the hospital that getting words on paper is supposed to help. and my handwriting is illegible even to me, so i thought i would just type it. so today is a beautiful day for once. it's sunny and a little warm outside. it's a nice change from the dreariness that's been surrounding this part of world as of late. my depression makes it so that every morning i can't get out of bed. it's not the usual "oh i'm tired i can't get out of bed i want to sleep more" feeling. it's the "it's pointless to get out of bed, i want to die, why is anything anything anymore" feeling. i don't know if you've felt that ever. it's a terrible feeling. and when i wake up, i immediately get cold sweats about everything. that's where the anxiety comes in. i mean everything. i get anxious about work (and i'm not even coming back for another six days), i get anxious about the day ahead, about upcoming plans, about everything. i never want to do anything fun anymore. in fact, i never want to do anything. but i force myself to do things because it makes things a little better. today i applied for a job that i don't think i'm gonna get and i researched distance education for getting my stat and psych class done, but that's all i've done. that's all i can do. and it takes every ounce of my being not to drink. i can't drink for real this time because my meds won't work if i drink. and if my meds don't work i might end up back in the hospital. i've decided to be up front about where i went. not to be a drama queen but because i'm tired of having to hide my mental illness. so i say it. i went to the hospital for suicidal ideation. and people then don't know what to say. i bet if people were more informed about suicide and mental illness, they'd know what to say. maybe there isn't anything to say. i lost interest in writing this. tl;dr i'm real sad and anxious and whiny. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011
11:37 am	i am at zen with my current job now. i'm not freaked out. it's OK. it's OK. i AM looking at jobs still. and now i'm not afraid to pull an 'everyone else' and include new york in my job searches. i wouldn't exactly mind living there. and maybe i can live in a brownstone in brooklyn like mike sho. still thinking of grad school though. my mom the other day was like "a BA is enough.' and if i hated grad school the first two times i tried it, i don't see how i could like it the third time. but we'll see. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 7th, 2011
5:18 pm	can i just go home NOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW it's only monday wah wah wah whatever (Comment on this)
Friday, November 4th, 2011
4:50 pm	everyone is getting promoted except for me! waahhh! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and it would be fine if i stayed at the same level i'm at now, but no, i got demoted, DEMOTED. i hope they don't pay cut me because i'm making more money than everyone at the weeklies. i'm going to throw up. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, October 31st, 2011
6:28 pm	also my title changed and now i think i'm features editor of pv. which is not as fun as being a features reporter. really though, editor of a WEEKLY? A WEEKLY. KILL ME NOW. IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD WEEKLY. (Comment on this)
1:32 pm	i'm not depressed but i feel like i'm getting there. i really need to see my new psychiatrist soon. i'm contemplating quitting my job and working at a starbucks for the rest of my life, that's how depressed i am about work. basically they downgraded my position. and my boss was like, "i'm surprised they even kept your position." i'm making the same amount of money, which is good, but man. i don't know. also i am anxious all the time at work and i feel so unmotivated to do ANYTHING. i mean i end up doing it because i have to but i just stare at all this paperwork and the crap on my screen for like an hour and just think to myself, "fuck this." i know millions would kill for my job but really i just want to sleep all day out of feeling like a failure. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 26th, 2011
11:13 am	hr you suck i just want to go back to work why won't you let me go back to work hr you suck this would be a good poem. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 11th, 2011
11:58 am	I JUST WISH MY ANXIETY WOULD GO AWAY WHY AM I ANXIOUS FOR NO REASON (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 1st, 2011
10:17 pm	THE MOST HIPSTER THING I HAVE TAKEN PART IN so michael and i were sitting outside of this like swedish breakfast place drinking coffee, and he was like, waxing on about some metaphorical prose piece he was working on and how he wants it to be a certain way, and he was going on about metaphors for like, romance or something, and like how you don't need to label it, and then this guy with neon sneakers walked by, and we looked at each other and sneered. (Comment on this)
9:45 pm	BOYS ARE MEAN. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 29th, 2011
9:38 am	i couldn't sleep even though i took too many haldol (causes drowsiness) by accident so i went to radio room and talked to some random strangers and the bartender's name is michael WHY ARE THEY ALL NAMED MICHAEL but he's married so whatever anyway point is i had to get drunk and smoke a cig on top of all that medication to FINALLY FALL ASLEEP accomplishment for the day: I WENT TO SLEEP FOR NINE HOURS SUCCESS i mean i did wake up anxious but that's besides the point, I GOT TO SLEEP! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 28th, 2011
5:20 pm	right now i'm super antsy and i feel kind of sick and i'm not even tired, i hope i can sleep tonight. i feel all jittery. also, i haven't eaten anything except two coffees earlier this morning. that was dumb to drink coffee. i'm not even like hungry. at least i had some stuff to do today, it was nice. this morning at the doctor's office i started disassociating myself, just out of happiness and not on purpose or anything. like i was looking at spiderwebs and i was just like, "this is a fairy wonderland" and it was like i wasn't even there. and then i laughed really loud, like i was a crazy. the doctor said it was the mania and my mania's like, full-blown now and the voices are faintly coming back and i think the paranoia is, too. my anxiety is off the charts. i'm freaked out about nothing. she upped my haldol dosage significantly "to stop the mania," and then she said we can do something about the anxiety, just to see if the anxiety is part of the mania or not. i'm having these ideas, like, mostly of the "i'm going to be a social worker in portland and live a cute, cheap, quaint life with a cat!" variety. and i can't get them out of my head or anything. i wish i had something to do tonight, otherwise i think i'm going to nuts. my hands are shaking and they're all tremor-y. if i don't sleep for two days i'm worried my hallucinations will get worse because i'll be sleep deprived. see you guys bipolar is no fun, it's not all WHEEEE!!! it's a lot of OH DEAR ME WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY HEAD too. i feel like i'm slowly losing my mind, or that my heart is going to explode or something. (Comment on this)
6:28 am	OH OH get this i was hanging out with this like 20-year-old kid and he's OK but he's kind of racist, anyway he's like, obviously into me, right. so my bipolar comes up and he's like "well everyone's crazy" but i'm like "no you don't get it" and i try to explain what mania is and the hallucinations and he still doesn't get it, he's like, "well i believe in ghosts and UFOs" and so i try to tell him about all the other aspects and he finally says "well when you're sane, hit me up." what a dumb kid! i wanted to punch him in the face! let us pull apart the sentence here: "when you're sane" implies that bipolar is TREATABLE while episodes can be reduced, it is not necessarily TREATABLE "hit me up" first of all, he didn't even say hit me up ironically, he said "hit me up" in earnest, which is the dumbest thing you can say. second of all this rounds out the whole thing which is, "I WANT A GIRL WHO IS SMART, PRETTY AND SANE AND THAT IS NOT YOU BUT OF COURSE I WILL CONTINUE TO HIT ON YOU TO MAKE MY PENIS HORMONES FEEL GOOD I AM A MAN RARRRRRRR" this is why ladies, you do not have anything to do with boys significantly younger than you. i swear, i was so upset by this that i want dylan, YES YOU DYLAN IF YOU ARE READING THIS, to punch him in the face for me because you know what it's like to deal with someone who is bipolar and this kid is a little snotball. HE BELIEVES IN THE PARANORMAL? HAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA THAT'S THE DUMBEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD, BUDDY HALLUCINATIONS =/= THE PARANORMAL no one understands mania! no one gets it! everyone thinks i am making it up! i am not making this up! it is fun but i am not making it up!! HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Comment on this)
6:08 am	i am still manic! tonight i did not sleep one wink! i was about to sleep but then dylan called and i was on tumblr talking to jeff and suddenly i started thinking about ALCOHOL and COFFEE and then i dunno i got excited and then i couldn't sleep because i was thinking about EVERYTHING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. i don't know what to do about anything but i don't care either! financial aid just gave me $2,000!!!!! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS MONEY!!! I'M QUITTING GRAD SCHOOL ROUND 2!!!!! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING!! ALL I CAN DO IS WRITE! it's weird because the other day i had 14- and 12-hour sleeping sessions respectively and then before that i slept like 4 and 3 hours and tonight NONE AT ALL i mean this is crazy boogie!! well today i get to see my psychiatrist, i will tell her i am DUMPING MY OLD PSYCHIATRIST because HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I NEEDED PORTLAND and maybe she will change around my dosage! but it feels awesome being manic! i am thinking i forgot to go to bunk, so i will go there sometime, but as people get when they are manic, I AM NOT HUNGRY! i had trail mix. here is a sign that i am manic: i was just clapping for no reason, happily clapping, because as crappy as my life seems, i am SO HAPPY AND CLAPPING FOR EVERYTHING but i am afraid i am so manic that i will not be able to drive to see my psych, that is, because being manic makes your attention span really short. OK THAT'S DONE FOR NOW. SEE YOU SOON (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 25th, 2011
8:52 pm	what do you tell people when all you did for your birthday was have a "birthday nap"? and then perhaps make a spinach and pancetta stir fry for dinner i mean seriously i guess i kind of did it to myself to be not around my close friends when it's my birthday (SECOND YEAR IN A ROW, BEAT THAT!), and i am used to not celebrating my birthday and i don't really care, but it's embarrassing to tell people when they ask SO WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? ANYTHING SPECIAL? but it was a darn good birthday nap i will tell you that. (Comment on this)
Monday, September 19th, 2011
3:42 pm	i still draw bushes like a 5-year-old. not those kind of bushes. (Comment on this)
3:35 am	OK i am back the doctor on the phone told me i should just write until the klonopin and haldol kick in so i am writing and i am listening to christina aguilera's "candyman" and also "ain't on other man" and it is like such a party in my head right now and i really like. I BOUGHT A TYPEWRITER FOR $10!!!!! i just need to buy ribbon for it, i think i am going to write a book or a short story or something, it'll be awesome, i can write it all on my typrwriter. and then like, i don't know i am thinking maybe i should become a burlesque dancer here in portland it would be a great way to make a living and i think i can move and stuff like you know, i've had practice and it's not like lapdances you know. and also i am thinking tomorrow (and i have money for this but not really WHO CARES IT'S JUST MONEY!) i am going to add on to my tattoo, but i don't know what to get, maybe just bubbles around my squid like cartoon bubbles oh man there are so many possibilities in LIFE!!! you know what i mean? there is so much to get DONE! but because of the haldol and the klonopin i might just stay in bed all day i don't even know but i want to get my tattoo done at least, and i want to go to bunk sandwiches and get me a sammich yummmmmmm sammiches man you don't even have to go across the river to have fun, the east side of portland RULES but yeah about that burlesque thing, i could totally do it, it's just that there's no troupes in portland, well there are but they seem like closed troupes you know oh well i don't know and i know when i go back to los angeles the magic will be gone and i won't want to be creative or ANYTHING anymore and that is a SHAME a RIGHT SHAME i love los angeles but i feel like it stifles my creativity or whatever i don't know what i'm doing for my birthday i dunno and that's kind of sad. my last birthday was OK, kind of low key and depressing, i don't even know i miss you guys waaaahhhhhhh you should all move up to me to portland. and like i can be successfully single earlier this evening i was like I JUST NEED A MAN but man i don't even need that, especially if i'm going to do burlesque it's going to be amazing and i'll be the talk of the town, i've got them child-bearin' hips you know. but still i have regular michael on my mind and it's stupid and i know and like you know, "friends that do stuff," man fuck that noise. next time i'm just going to be like, "fool i have feelings for you and shit, like i'm attached, so let's not 'whatever'" and then he'll stop hanging out with me, even though FOR ONCE i actually like his friends, they are cool dudes, or at least other michael is rad, and i met andrew from his band and he seems like a rad dude. fuck my life, my AWESOME LIFE! that is not sarcasm. i feel great! like so great! like i could work on diary comix all night if i weren't all tired now from my pillz. let's see. if i don't sleep in from my nutso pill hangover, tomorrow i'm going to call up tattoo parlors (there are a few in my neighborhood that are like, five starzzzz!!!) and see how much money i have in my bank account and sign up for a pole dancing taster, i just need to get it out of my system and i'll be cool, y'know. there's a place in SE pdx that i can totally go to. i was thinking about doing bikram yoga too but now i'm kind of like FUCK THAT! also tomorrow i need to see the bishop, he wanted to talk to me ha ha ha i'm so manic he's not going to know what to do with me. i hope stupid t. catalog takes my dumb entry, it's dumb and shittily written but if it gets in i can say i'm a published poet who has also been published in t. catalog. which would be cool because then they'd be more apt to publish my stuff and then maybe i can get a freelance gig with willamette weekly or something, like WUUUUT!!!!!!!!!!!! and i won't have to write all snarky, i can just i dunno write in my own nonsnarky style, i don't know. i was lying when i said snark doesn't exist in pdx, it does, in WW but it's like snarky to the point where i'm like "what?" like i don't understand a word the fucking thing is saying. maybe i just read too fast or am retarded. I WAS SO MAD BECAUSE HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (THE WOODY ALLEN MOVIE) WAS PLAYING FRIDAY AND I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL SATURDAY SO MAD everything is so good right now. i don't know where i'm gonna be in a month, i don't know if i'm going to get so manic-bad that i'm going to have to be hospitalized again, i don't know anything, all i know is that life is AWESOME and i love everything and everyone, and there are so many good people in the world, and fuck yeah i quit improv 101 but that's OK, fuck UCB for being all weird about my creative outlets. i can be funny by myself man without paying $350. also burlesque is cheaper (except for the costumes but i'm like an eighth of the way there anyway) grad school is not even on my mind right now, unless it's my only ticket to stay in portland, but OSU is like, really? ew. i wouldn't even like grad school in pdx. i am so past that shit, it's just not for me. academia, i can't handle it. i'm going to be a free spirit and write stories in the vein of sloane crosley and that girl who writes about being manic, except different, i don't know. maybe there won't be a market for that and i'm so fucking young, but who cares!!!!!!!!! if you can write they will take you. also regular michael's band had a song with TUBA, i wanted to cry. OK i think i am calming down now but i still think i should get that tattoo, see, like, i am not myself when i am not manic i feel like. these pills are just here to sedate! TO SEDATE YOU AND MAKE YOU SOMEONE YOU AREN'T. don't even tell me about alternative medicine, that stuff does the same stuff. life felt so good, like the air was crisp and cool and we were hanging out on picnic benches on the patio and the kinks' "sunny afternoon" was playing and i was chain smoking and everything was so beautiful, and me and hiller were just talking about music all chill and i felt good, and on top of that I AM IN ONE OF THE BEST CITIES IN THE WORLD like it was seriously like ecstasy except not. i want to be the amanda palmer of writing, like i want to do burlesque and writing that sounds like a good life right? it would also be fun to be in a band except i can't play and sing at the same time, maybe i can just be like neko case and sing except my voice isn't great, it's just tolerable. maybe not even that. i can just be the tambourine girl!!!!! does anyone need an energetic tambourine girl?? oh i know what i can do tomorrow, i can take the bus out to downtown and practice karaoke. today i was singing all kinds of hefner and i was just like, "man at least i am on key har har" dort is totally the candyman christina aguilera is talking about, because he's a one-stop shop and he makes the panties drop and also he hands out candy, like today at the show he totally handed out saltwater taffy, it was pretty legit. it's like when we saw garfunkel and oates and they gave us candy. i am sad i left my ring pops in california, like FUCK i need those. i like candy. but not as much as that one guy i dated, it was kind of gross. i don't want to be one of those people on medicaid but fuck if i can't function doing anything right now. like if you were to stick me back at work right now i think i would just like, explode. maybe one day i will get better but i think i will just get worse. i am fucked up the wall man. at least my sex drive isn't like WHOA and i'm not having promiscuous sex all over the place, i am having heartless and depressing monogamous sex coupled with an amiable friendship. boo hoo hahahahahahahaha. see? i am like vacillating from sadness to happiness and giddiness, i don't know what is going on at all with my brain, these meds are fucking up my brain. it's all the meds companies, that's what they want. the klonopin DOES help though i will tell you that. i fucking love hefner's "i took her love for granted," it's amazing SOON AS I SAW HER, I WANTED TO TASTE HER LIPS, SO I DID, I WAS ECSTATIC FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS this song is like, the happiest but also kind of sad. music is like that, music is bipolar just like me! i hope people don't think i am psycho, i have been doing pretty good about not acting psycho out here except when i see a professional in the medical areas. but i have not been muttering much to myself or anything. christina aguilera is like my guru or something, i can't stop listening to "candyman" i was ALLLLLLL about teenage dream though for a while, i fucking love that song. katy perry, you are great. i dedicated it a long time ago to foxy grandpa though, it is not a song for dort. OK i think i have spouted out all i wanted to write. ooohhh my mania, it comes and goes and comes and goes and it gets worse when there are boys around or when i am in an AMAZING TOWN!!!! (Comment on this)
1:49 am	i am thoroughly overwhelmed by portland and the state that i am in. i did not have my klonopin on me and i really needed something, but i didn't want to drink, so instead i just smoked like a bunch of cigarettes and now i'm really like, nauseated. anyway, there was just too much stimuli. i kind of felt like i was on a light mushroom trip. like, being here, and then the music, and then like, other michael and this girl who moved up from california or something and i am so proud of other michael for macking on california girl, and then like regular michael and then like, i just wanted to die and there was too much going on and like does this happen when you're manic? like everything was spinning in my heart (pre-cigarettes) and like i don't know like i was so bewildered, it's like that one time when i was still manic and she & him made me cry, except luckily i didn't cry this time, i just felt like, the world was like amazing and i was on this incredible high except i was also incredibly lonely, does that happen in a mixed state or am i just like, i don't know, my senses were hypersensitive and i guess maybe it was only because i had cheese and ice cream for dinner but like, everything felt realllly gooooooodd but also sentimentally bad, like i was on ecstasy for sad people or something i don't even know, this is one sentence isn't it shit. oh lordy i love portland so much i don't know how i can go back to los angeles and be satisfied but i will miss all my friends and i have a job there, i mean what am i going to do and like i don't know i am so confused i probably shouldn't move up here, i think it's aggravating my symptoms (I HAVE BEEN TAKING MY PILLS HOWEVER SO WHATEVER!) and like every song is so meaningful in my life and like, i have memories like i'm going to die or something i am so high right now on nicotine and on life, I AM HIGH ON LIFE!!!!!!!!!!! and i feel like i don't know, like i could do anything, but also that i'm too shitty at everything i'm "good" at to do anything. that doesn't make sense. i feel both capable and incapable. like what is this and then i just wanted to die, like omg dort is like, fucccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk if there's one reason i shouldn't move out here it's because of dort like so hard because he just slays me and i just want to die maybe that's why i got a nearly-panic-attack, i shouldn't have smoked all those reds, i was just going one after another and it felt good but then i got nauseous, it's like back in high school when i'd get kind of panicky i'd smoke reds with mareo, mareo was a good safety net kind of except when he was coming down from all that speed or whatever it was he was doing i've been listening to a lot of hefner because like man that band, that band is great a whole bunch. and like i went to church (i am a great mormon, smoking and drinking and fucking, rite) and every guy in the ward is a total babe and i want to mack on everyone except i think i'm done ovulating omg i don't even know, boys, boys everywhere, and they are all my type. it's SICK, SICK i don't think i am good at doing anything. i think i am mediocre at everything i do, except maybe writing, maybe i am OK at that. but i also feel like i can DO EVERYTHING, this is the most confusing feeling in the world. also i keep having to pee because i drank too much water because too much nicotine makes you feel great but also it makes you nauseous. everything makes me nauseated. like my pills do, smoking does (well duh sylvia you don't just -- wait dylan is talking to me right now so goodbye (Comment on this)